Mating in Captivity

Esther Perel explores the paradox between our need for security (love, belonging and closeness) and our need for freedom (erotic desire, adventure and distance). She suggests that too much closeness can suffocate desire, while too much distance can lead to isolation. Balancing these two needs is key to maintaining passion in a long-term relationship.

Perel emphasizes the importance of maintaining individuality within a relationship. She argues that the erotic charge in a relationship comes from the space between two people, which can only exist if they maintain their separate identities. So, don't forget to nurture your own interests and hobbies, it's healthy for your relationship.

Fantasies play a crucial role in our erotic lives. Perel encourages couples to explore their fantasies and share them with their partners. This can help to reignite desire and deepen intimacy. Remember, it's okay to have fantasies, they are a normal part of our sexual lives.

Perel suggests that play and novelty are essential for keeping desire alive. This could be as simple as trying a new activity together, or as adventurous as exploring new sexual experiences. So, don't be afraid to mix things up, it can bring a lot of fun and excitement into your relationship.

In Mating in Captivity, Perel also digs into how cultural and social forces shape our attitudes towards sex and desire. She encourages readers to question societal norms and expectations about monogamy, sexuality, and gender roles. This can help you to better understand your own desires and to create a relationship that truly fulfills you.